Clouds
Some days, clouds really scare me.
It goes with the territory of being slightly claustrophobic. I need to be able to see the SKY, the STARS, the endless space beyond. Not the crushing weight of grey.
Life's Legacy
A conversation with my sister today got me thinking.
Sister 1 = Very well off, but no husband and no children.
Sister 2 = Fairly well off, a husband, no children.
Sister 3 = Average income, husband, child.
The three of us are a perfect example of how singles have huge earning power and don't need it whereas families who need the extra income don't have the opportunity to get it. It's no secret that I have a tonne of money compared to the average single woman. It's a combination of being very frugal, being in a high-earning industry, having no dependents, no physical assets and no ongoing debts. (Contents insurance? What contents?!)
I don't buy designer clothes. I'm saving for a trip into space.
But ultimately, what's more important? Riches or family? There can only ever be one answer to that and that's where I am left behind my sisters, while at the same time, I am so grateful to have them.
Single people NEED their families. But what happens when they're 80 and have no children to care for them? No grandchildren to buy presents for? No one to pass words of wisdom on to?
Community living would solve that problem but our society has evolved to scorn that.
Torn in two
Is it common to feel torn in two? When you want two things that are completely opposite and you can only choose one?
I keep being faced with these decisions lately. How do you ever decide which is best when there is no best?
Keeping track of names
Given the overwhelming number of my friends who have (1) Gotten married recently, and (2) had a baby, is it any wonder that I can never remember anyone's name?
Because not only have my girlfriends changed their SURNAMES, but I also now have to remember their husbands' names, AND their new baby's name (not to mention if the baby is a boy or a girl!) I have been mailing out cards this week and wow, it's tough. I need a new system, indexing the friends by their original names.
I really can't cook
I really think I deserve an award for 'most disgusting meals ever'. Last night, I had a whole bunch of vegetables in my fridge. Okay, it was raw coleslaw mix (cabbage, corn, carrots, celery and lettuce), sprouts, and spinach leaves, but throw those together and they'll make a reasonable stir-fry, right?
Then I decided I was in the mood for red curry. Red curry stir-fry (made from coleslaw vegetables). Well, in my head, it sounded okay.
So I went out and bought curry paste and coconut milk. I ignored the instructions on the side of the pack that suggested chicken strips and rice... I was improvising!
The curry itself kept overboiling. I fried up some beef schnitzel to add protein to the mix, then ripped it into small pieces and threw it in the curry. I sizzled the vegetables until they were soggy. Then I tipped the entire mix of curry over the vegetables and let it simmer for a while.
IT TASTED SO HORRIBLE. SERIOUSLY, THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW BAD IT WAS.
But I still forced myself to eat it because after an hour's worth of preparation, I'm certainly not throwing it out!!!
Unsettled
Thursday night and it's the worst possible week for my flatmate to be away. This is my 3rd lonely night in a row, no one to go home to, no friends in town to call. Usually I love this but my world has been shaken, I'm grieving, and the last thing I want to be is alone.
I'm scared of the dark and the empty.
Our cat died. (Unexpectedly.)
LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES.
That explains my mood for the last couple of days; it was the early-warning system kicking in. I get so tired of losing people/pets who mean a lot to me. Pippin was special. I loved him a lot. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
And if I'm so torn up over this, how am I going to handle it when a person I love dies?
It's probably why I'm perpetually single. Why I won't get another pet of my own. Because the moment you open your heart to someone (pets are people too), you will ultimately be hurt by them because everything dies.
---
Who cares about a house or a job anyway?
Changes on the wind
Today my house contract went unconditional. There are no more 'escape clauses' left.
Now that I'm used to the idea, I'm a mixture of happy/excited and sad. Happy/excited because I can't WAIT to have my own space again, somewhere that's not temporary. Because seriously, having gone from an apartment full of stuff to my old bedroom at my parent's house meant I was constantly surrounded by boxes.
On the downside, I won't see my parents and sister nearly as much. And that's sad because the relationships will become less close. I know my mum will miss me terribly.
I've really enjoyed this year of 'working from home' every so often. I get to chat to my mum, my sisters, I get to play with my nephew. (And I also get to run around doing errands and no one will notice if I'm back late from my 'lunch break' - I make up the time later of course!) It's been awesome. :D
And only 5 weeks to go....
Thankfully, no more deadly early flights after this!
Life Repeats
I'm... unsettled. I can't think of a good reason for it (other than the fact that EVERYTHING IS CHANGING in the next 2 months). New house, new job, changing friendships... it's all so complex.
Add to this the fact that I seem to be REPEATING places of the summer of 2003 and it's freaking me out. Now, Spring/Summer of 2003 was the most insane, intense summer of my life. It was when I fell IN LOVE for the very first time. (Sure, there had been crushes, kisses, dates before then, but nothing that I'd ever seen as lasting.)
I went to "Wet and Wild" (a waterslide park) four years ago, and two days ago. You would not believe the memories that brought back. Last time at W&W, I was humming with excitement about my date later that night - I was having dinner with his parents for the first time (a very significant step). And afterwards, he said the most beautiful things to me that had me walking on air until I saw him again (which was only a day or so later anyway).
It was the most beautiful, romantic time of my entire life. I think first love must always be that for anyone. There's an innocence: you haven't yet had your heart broken, you believe that it's going to last forever. You've never even truly kissed someone before, not when it meant something. And even holding hands makes you think like you're going to explode with excitement because it all feels so wonderful and perfect.
There was the night we stayed out until dawn just gazing at the stars. The night he took me down to the park and played songs for me on his guitar, and sang to me. We'd go out to restaurants and constantly be kicked out at closing time, because we were too busy *talking* to notice the hours whizz by.
Seven-hour conversations, we used to have, and I've never repeated that feat with anyone since. We used to be tired ALL the time, both showing up to work late (because we'd been up so late the previous night) and yet we'd do it all over again 2 days later. There was the day I discovered a gash on my knee (we'd been making out in my car) and I never even noticed it at the time. Such was my distraction, my obsession, with him.
We chatted all day on MSN. Sent each other ridiculously long emails. Never, ever ran out of words to say. And of course, I was so sure that he was the most handsome man who had ever walked the face of the planet.
Those heady days. If he'd loved me as much as I loved him, I never would have moved to England. I would have been married, probably living in Canberra, certainly nowhere near as "wealthy" or well-travelled as I am now. Two very different life paths and the one I ended up on is not the one I chose.
Don't get me wrong, the experiences I've had on this path have been AMAZING. I did things I always wanted to do. I met some of my best friends. I learnt so much about the world. Some day, I'll be able to turn around and say that I know, conclusively, that this path was the best one. But that depends on me finding a love which is "greater" than what I experienced that first time and I do wonder if that is possible.
After all, historically, you always married your first love.
And perhaps the whole experience made me both far too cynical about 'love' and far too good at relying on myself, so much to the point where I'm reluctant to ever let anyone else totally in.
Songs that resonate - Pink
Every time I hear Pink's song "Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)", I can't help but identify. It describes me perfectly. I love the idea of having someone there... but look what happened with my last relationship. I felt SO SMOTHERED.
"Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways"
Does that mean I am a total committment-phobe? The idea of having someone - anyone - THERE all the time would drive me up the wall.
"I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either"
"Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you"
It's probably the most real song I've heard all year and I've been singing along for months.
