The Adventures of Nic

Life Repeats

I'm... unsettled. I can't think of a good reason for it (other than the fact that EVERYTHING IS CHANGING in the next 2 months). New house, new job, changing friendships... it's all so complex.

Add to this the fact that I seem to be REPEATING places of the summer of 2003 and it's freaking me out. Now, Spring/Summer of 2003 was the most insane, intense summer of my life. It was when I fell IN LOVE for the very first time. (Sure, there had been crushes, kisses, dates before then, but nothing that I'd ever seen as lasting.)

I went to "Wet and Wild" (a waterslide park) four years ago, and two days ago. You would not believe the memories that brought back. Last time at W&W, I was humming with excitement about my date later that night - I was having dinner with his parents for the first time (a very significant step). And afterwards, he said the most beautiful things to me that had me walking on air until I saw him again (which was only a day or so later anyway).

It was the most beautiful, romantic time of my entire life. I think first love must always be that for anyone. There's an innocence: you haven't yet had your heart broken, you believe that it's going to last forever. You've never even truly kissed someone before, not when it meant something. And even holding hands makes you think like you're going to explode with excitement because it all feels so wonderful and perfect.

There was the night we stayed out until dawn just gazing at the stars. The night he took me down to the park and played songs for me on his guitar, and sang to me. We'd go out to restaurants and constantly be kicked out at closing time, because we were too busy *talking* to notice the hours whizz by.

Seven-hour conversations, we used to have, and I've never repeated that feat with anyone since. We used to be tired ALL the time, both showing up to work late (because we'd been up so late the previous night) and yet we'd do it all over again 2 days later. There was the day I discovered a gash on my knee (we'd been making out in my car) and I never even noticed it at the time. Such was my distraction, my obsession, with him.

We chatted all day on MSN. Sent each other ridiculously long emails. Never, ever ran out of words to say. And of course, I was so sure that he was the most handsome man who had ever walked the face of the planet.

Those heady days. If he'd loved me as much as I loved him, I never would have moved to England. I would have been married, probably living in Canberra, certainly nowhere near as "wealthy" or well-travelled as I am now. Two very different life paths and the one I ended up on is not the one I chose.

Don't get me wrong, the experiences I've had on this path have been AMAZING. I did things I always wanted to do. I met some of my best friends. I learnt so much about the world. Some day, I'll be able to turn around and say that I know, conclusively, that this path was the best one. But that depends on me finding a love which is "greater" than what I experienced that first time and I do wonder if that is possible.

After all, historically, you always married your first love.

And perhaps the whole experience made me both far too cynical about 'love' and far too good at relying on myself, so much to the point where I'm reluctant to ever let anyone else totally in.

posted by Nic @ 3:39 PM