Who is Nic?
The way I want the world to see me: A shiny, happy girl with a zest for life. She loves deep, intellectual conversations. She loves travel and seeing new places. She's all about the 'new experience'. She's a Christian girl but not a conventional one (who stays in a safe profession, in a safe little world). She has friends who are believers and those who are not. She believes in real friendships where you get to know the heart of a person instead of just keeping it at surface level.She's a geek, with a deep, abiding love for STAR WARS. She has an amazing family and loves them to bits (even while feeling pressured to conform to their script). She's brilliant; she's the black sheep of the family. She's generally a success at anything she puts her mind to, except for craft or relationships (no one can be good at everything!) ;)
She was voted "most likely to succeed" by her graduating class, and in terms of world experience and financial goals, she probably is. It's the curse of being the first-born: the classic overachiever. She rides horses and surfs and skis and loves being outdoors. She works hard to stay fit but has a weakness for chocolate. Her favourite boys are her nephews and she has little regard for 'Hollywood' stereotypes.
A chameleon: she's comfortable in a 5-star restaurant; she sleeps happily in a backpacker's hostel. The typical trappings of financial success mean little to her; she'd much rather trek through New Zealand than have a flat-screen tv and matching silverware. She can network her way through a room of VIPs or go drinking with the boys. She knows she will go into space one day.
She's a scientist, she's a writer. She's never cared about being left of centre. Eccentric is taken as a compliment.
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And that, my friends, is why she remains single. She carries in her heart a deep longing for a confidant. She's had them before, but the world turns, people come in and out of her life and she cares for them deeply when they are there and misses them terribly when they move on.
She's been told she's 'too smart', 'too picky', 'too weird', 'too independent'. She knows she's not your typical girl next door, but that's the essence of who she IS. To pretend, to be that girl with an empty head, the one who lives out her life fulfilled with routine rather than adventure, would be to go against every dream in her mind. The tough thing to comprehend is that the women who marry, those who fit the Biblical role of 'perfect wife', the set she so desperately wants to be part of, the group she admires, is not her.
She's learning to be gracious and accept help. She's learning to admit she can't do everything on her own. (And yes, that frustrates her, the need to rely on other people.) Her heart, now rebuilt (albeit with scars), is in a protective shell and she's terrified of letting it get smashed again. She runs from pain because she knows that the world IS pain.
Part of her dreams of Heaven because she no longer believes in perfection on earth. There can be moments of beauty, moments of bliss, but inevitably, all things end.
And yet - she always believes in a brighter tomorrow - because LOOK at the universe! How amazing, how incredible, it is.
If this post sounds arrogant - I'm writing it to capture who I want to be as well as who I am. Leaving out the bad stuff.
posted by Nic @ 2:53 PM
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